Baby weight losses and weight gains

What is normal for breastfed babies?
The World Health Organization growth standards¹ are the best reference for growth in the first 2 years as they reflect the growth of breastfed babies.
The general guidelines that are usually given for weight loss and weight gain are:

• a baby loses 5-10% of birth weight in the first week and regains this by 2-3 weeks²
• birth weight is doubled by 4 months and tripled by 13 months in boys and 15 months in girls¹
• birth length increases 1.5 times in 12 months¹
• birth head circumference increases by about 11 cm in 12 months¹

However, all babies grow differently and these are just general guidelines. If you are concerned about your baby's growth, contact your medical adviser for a thorough assessment of your baby's general health and wellbeing.

Baby weight losses – the early days
Normal weight loss
All infants lose weight after they are born, no matter what or how they are fed.
It is normal for breastfed infants to lose weight for the first 3 days after birth. Exclusively-breastfed infants are perfectly adapted to survive on the small volumes of colostrum they receive in the first few days of life. After this, their mothers begin to make large volumes of breastmilk which then provides all the fluids, energy and nutrients they need and they will slowly regain their birthweight over the next 2 to 3 weeks.²
Weight loss in infants is expressed as a percentage and a maximum weight loss of 7-10% is considered normal (for review of guidelines from breastfeeding-friendly authorities see Tawia & McGuire, 2014).³

Epidurals and intravenous fluids
Concerns about excessive weight loss in infants, combined with changes in the management of birth, have led researchers to investigate whether there is a link between the two. Much recent research has focussed on looking at whether the newborn infant is overhydrated due to the administration of intravenous fluids to the mother during birth.
When women receive intravenous fluids during the birth, for example, when they receive epidural anaesthesia, the fluids move freely from a woman to her foetus and, as a consequence, the infant is overhydrated at birth. This extra fluid is then naturally removed from the infant’s body when it urinates, particularly on day 1, and may make it appear that the baby has lost an excessive amount of weight.⁴
Evidence is accumulating that maternal intrapartum intravenous fluids are associated with excessive weight loss in healthy, term, exclusively-breastfed, newborn infants.⁵

What is a Growth Chart or a Percentile Chart?
Growth charts are often used to help follow and assess a baby's growth. Your baby's weight can be plotted against a weight-for-age growth chart. Historically, these charts have been compiled by measuring the weights of hundreds of different children at each age. The most common type of growth chart is a percentile chart where these hundreds of weights are then divided into 100 equal groups. These groups are then plotted on a graph or listed in a table.
If your baby record book does not contain the World Health Organization growth standards, you may like to print out and put them in your book. Importantly, the World Health Organization growth standards are based on healthy, exclusively breastfed babies from six countries across five continents. These more accurately show how a normal baby should grow. You can find the World Health Organization child growth standards percentile charts and tables here:

Charts	Tables
Girls	Girls
Boys	Boys

The simplified World Health Organization child growth percentile field tables, which are very easy to read, can be found at: Girls, Boys


 How do I read a Growth/Percentile Chart?
The following example explains how you should read a percentile chart:

• 3% of children will be below the 3rd percentile and 3% of children will be above the 97th percentile
• 15% of children will be below the 15th percentile and 15% of children will be above the 85th percentile
• 50% of children will be below the 50th percentile and 50% of children will be above the 50th percentile

The 50th percentile is not a pass, it means that 50% of the normal population is below this line and 50% is above it.
If a baby's height or weight is 'off the chart' (above the 97th percentile or below the 3rd), there is a higher chance of something being wrong and it is wise to check with your medical adviser. In many cases though, all is well. Three in every 100 normal babies will weigh less than the 3rd percentile, often because both parents are small.

Does it matter if my baby doesn't 'stick' to a percentile line?
Usually, no.
Because the charts are derived from average weights, lengths etc, individual children shouldn't be expected to follow them exactly. They can and do grow faster or slower at times.
A large study in the US found that most infants (77%) aged from birth to 6 months crossed weight-for-age percentile lines, with 39% of infants either moving up or moving down two percentile lines. From birth to 6 months, larger babies tended to put on weight more slowly (on average) and smaller babies put on weight more quickly. This may be because birth size relates more to nutritional conditions in the womb than to genetic potential for growth. As this group of children got older, they were much less likely to cross two weight-for-age percentile lines, but it did still happen.⁶ See Table 1 for more detail.
Table 1.

Age	Percentage of infants and children crossing 2 percentile lines – weight-for-age	Percentage of infants and children crossing 2 percentile lines – weight-for-height
Birth to 6 months	39%	62%
6 to 24 months	6–15%	20–27%
24 to 60 months	1–5%	6–15

My baby has had persistently low weight gains. Is my baby getting enough breastmilk?
Many mums who are worried that their baby is not gaining enough weight are also worried that their baby is not getting enough breastmilk.
These are some reliable signs of adequate milk intake.

Remember - what goes in must come out!:

• After 5 days of age a minimum of 5 heavily-wet disposable, or 6-8 very wet cloth nappies, in 24 hours.
• Pale urine (wee). If your baby's urine is dark and smelly, this is a sign that your baby is not taking in enough milk.
• Good-sized, soft poos. Under the age of 6-8 weeks, your baby should have two or more runny poos a day, about the size of the palm of your baby's hand. After this age, it can be quite normal for a baby to poo less often, even once every 7-10 days, as long as when your baby does a poo, there is a large amount of soft or runny poo coming out!

In addition to the 'what goes in must come out' signs above, other reliable signs that result from an adequate milk intake in a healthy baby are:

• Baby has some weight gain after the initial weight loss soon after birth, and some growth in length and head circumference. (Are your baby's clothes getting snugger?)
• Baby looks like she fits in her skin - with good skin colour and muscle tone.
• Baby is meeting developmental milestones.

For more information about how to tell if your baby is getting enough milk, refer to the article Low Supply on this website.

My baby is getting enough breastmilk. What's causing the low weight gains?
If your baby appears to be underweight, with wrinkly, loose skin and yet has a good nappy count indicating enough milk intake, it may be that your baby has an underlying medical condition which is causing a slow weight gain. There are many conditions which could affect weight gain. Some of the common ones include:

• infection (anything from a cold to a urinary infection)
• vomiting or frequent posseting (eg pyloric stenosis or severe reflux) - can mean a baby does not retain enough milk to grow
• a sensitivity to foods in the mother's diet could be a cause of low weight gain (usually along with other symptoms, such as 'colic').

Your medical adviser will be able to help you investigate these and other areas.

My baby is getting enough breastmilk. Is my baby just meant to be small?
Some adults are naturally petite and so are some babies. If your baby appears to be happy and healthy, is meeting developmental milestones, does not appear underweight (does not have loose wrinkly skin) and has a good wet/pooy nappy count, then your baby's low weight gains may be due to family factors (genetics).
I think my baby is NOT getting enough breastmilk. What can I do?

• Is your baby feeding often enough? The simplest and most effective way to increase your baby's milk intake is to breastfeed more often. Babies need at least 6 feeds in 24 hours in the first few months. For most babies, 6 will not be enough; they need 8-12 feeds in 24 hours (or more) to take in enough milk.
• More frequent feeding also means your breasts are relatively 'emptier' (they are never completely empty), which means that your breasts will speed up milk production, increasing your milk supply. For more information on how to increase your milk supply refer to the article Low Supply on this website, or refer to the Australian Breastfeeding Association booklet, Increasing Your Supply, available for purchase from the Australian Breastfeeding Association.
• Is your baby feeding for long enough to get a balanced feed? The fat content of your breastmilk steadily rises and usually doubles from the beginning to the end of the feed. If you let your baby decide how long to feed, he will usually be getting enough of both the breastmilk and the fat that he needs.
• Have you only been offering one breast per feed? Some babies only need one breast per feed, other babies need both. Some babies start off just needing one and change as they grow older. You could try offering your baby the second breast.
• Try offering top-up breastfeeds 20-60 minutes after your baby's normal breastfeeds.
• Is your baby sleeping longer at night? Long night sleeps (and therefore missed feeds) can also decrease your baby's milk intake and weight gain. You might consider waking your baby during the night to feed or fit in extra daytime feeds.
• Is your baby attaching and suckling effectively? Babies who are failing to thrive may have a poor sucking action, so they don't empty and stimulate your breasts enough. Face-to-face assessment of this by an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) or Australian Breastfeeding Association counsellor can be very useful. You can find an IBCLC near you at this website: Find a Lactation Consultant.
• Does your baby have a tongue-tie? This can lead to poor attachment and mean that they cannot drain the breast effectively. An IBCLC can also check for this. In many cases the tongue-tie is snipped, leading to much more effective feeding for the baby and more comfortable feeding for the mum.
• Have you been using a nipple shield? Provided a nipple shield is used properly, it should not cause supply problems. However, if your baby's weight gains continue to be low, it could be that your baby is not transferring milk well through the shield. Consult a lactation consultant or an Australian Breastfeeding Association counsellor to check that your baby is attached properly on the shield. If you baby cannot feed well without the shield, you will also need to express your milk to protect your milk supply and to provide more milk for your baby.

What are developmental milestones?
Developmental milestones are normal skills and abilities that infants and children acquire as they grow. These include events such as smiling for the first time, turning their head towards a sound, bringing their hand to their mouth, holding their head steadily without support, rolling from tummy to back and taking a first step.
Developmental milestones tend to appear in a predictable order and the following links take you to information about what kind of milestones to expect at each age.
0-3 months, 3-6 months, 6-9 months, 9-12 months, 1-2 years,
My baby was gaining weight well and now all of a sudden things have slowed down. What's going on?

• Have there been any changes in your baby's behaviour? For example has your baby been taking fewer feeds as a result of sleeping longer at night?
• Have you been trying to feed at set times instead of when the baby indicates?
• Have you (the mother) been stressed or unwell? For some women this can cause a temporary dip in supply.
• Have you just started a new medication such as the contraceptive pill? Could you be pregnant? These factors can cause a dip in your supply.
• Has your baby been ill? Even a small cold can disrupt feeding and weight gain for a week or two.
• Has your baby previously gained well and is now slowing down normally? It is very normal for an exclusively breastfed baby's weight gain to slow down at 3-4 months. The World Health Organization child growth standards, based on healthy breastfed babies, help demonstrate this.

In most cases of sudden weight change, a 'wait-and-see' approach is justified if your baby seems happy and the other indicators of growth and health are fine. If there seems to be a temporary low supply problem, offering a couple of extra breastfeeds a day can help avoid a more serious situation. If you are concerned, see a medical advisor
Please feel welcome to call the toll-free National Breastfeeding Helpline on 1800 686 268 to talk about anything discussed in this article, or any other breastfeeding related matter.
References

1. WHO Multicentre Growth Reference Study Group. (2006). WHO Child Growth Standards based on length/height, weight and age. Acta Paediatrica (Oslo, Norway: 1992). Supplement, 450, 76-85.
2. Macdonald, P. D., Ross, S. R. M., Grant, L., & Young, D. (2003). Neonatal weight loss in breast and formula fed infants. Archives of Disease in Childhood-Fetal and Neonatal Edition, 88(6), F472-F476.
3. Tawia, S., & McGuire, L. (2014). Early weight loss and weight gain in healthy, full-term, exclusively-breastfed infants. Breastfeeding Review, 22(1), 31-42.
4. Noel-Weiss, J., Woodend, A.K., Peterson, W.E., Gibb, W., & Groll, D.L. (2011). An observational study of associations among maternal fluids during parturition, neonatal output, and breastfed newborn weight loss. International Breastfeeding Journal 6: 9.
5. Watson, J., Hodnett, E., Armson, B.A., Davies, B., Watt-Watson, J. (2012). A randomized controlled trial of the effect of intrapartum intravenous fluid management on breastfed newborn weight loss. JOGNN 41: 24–32.
   Hirth, R., Weitkamp, T., Dwivedi, A. (2012). Maternal intravenous fluids and infant weight. Clinical Lactation 3: 59–93.
6. Mei, Z., Grummer-Strawn, L. M., Thompson, D., & Dietz, W. H. (2004). Shifts in percentiles of growth during early childhood: analysis of longitudinal data from the California Child Health and Development Study. Pediatrics, 113(6), e617-e627.
   
    Source By: https://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/bf-info/common-concerns%E2%80%93baby/baby-weight-gains

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Birth Day: Your Baby's First 24 Hours of Life

While you've probably mapped out what your post-delivery hospital stay will entail, you may not realize that your baby will be twice as busy as you'll be. Just five minutes after he arrives, he is poked, pricked, measured, tested, cleaned, and swaddled. Delivery procedures are different in every hospital, but here's what's likely to happen in the whirlwind that's your baby's first day.

Baby's First Hours

Your first day with your baby will be exciting (and emotional), as doctors and nurses examine him to ensure that he's healthy -- and teach you the essentials of caring for him. Knowing what to expect will make this special time feel more joyful and less overwhelming. While procedures vary by hospital, our time line will give you a sense of how the hours typically unfold, starting with the minute he's born.
First 5 Minutes

As soon as your child arrives, the doctor will suction her mouth and nose to clear away mucus and amniotic fluid, and she should begin to breathe on her own. The doctor will then clamp and cut (or let your partner cut) the umbilical cord before determining your baby's Apgar score, which is based on heart rate, color, reflex response, activity and muscle tone, and breathing at one minute and five minutes post-delivery. Scores can range from zero to ten, but anything above seven is generally considered healthy. Most babies score eight or nine, but if your baby tests lower, the cause will be addressed (say, she's having trouble breathing) and testing will continue at five-minute intervals until the issue is resolved. Not to worry: Most infants who receive a low mark at birth go on to be healthy, happy babies, says Michael A. Posencheg, M.D., medical director of the newborn nursery at the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, in Philadelphia. While you're delivering the placenta, your newborn will be weighed and measured. Typically a nurse will wipe her clean and place her in a baby warmer until she's able to maintain her own body temperature -- a process that can take from a few minutes to a couple of hours. You may be able to watch all of this happen, but you also may be getting stitches, if necessary.
Hour 1

When you're still in the delivery room, your baby will get antibiotic eye ointment to prevent eye infections that can result from passing through the birth canal. He'll also receive a vitamin K shot in the thigh to prevent clotting problems. If you plan to breastfeed, you'll be encouraged to try it. Even if you've had a C-section you can begin nursing as soon as you leave the operating room, provided that you're comfortable, alert, and aren't experiencing complications, says Parents advisor Ari Brown, M.D., coauthor of Baby 411. If the doctor sends your baby to the neonatal intensive-care unit (NICU) because he was born prematurely or there's a risk of infection, this bonding session will be postponed.
Hours 2 to 3

Now that your child's initial tests have been completed, the two of you will spend time together in your hospital room or the recovery room, as long as both of you are well. At some point the nurse will examine your baby to determine how well she's adjusting to newborn life. She'll also check her pulse, feel her abdomen, make sure her genitals have formed properly, and verify that she has all ten fingers and toes. She'll also record the Ballard score, in which your child's head circumference, chest circumference, and length are measured to confirm her gestational age.
If your baby is premature, she'll most likely remain in the nursery, where her temperature, heart rate, and respiratory rate can be closely monitored, and you'll be able to visit. Her vitals will be checked every 30 minutes for the first two hours and then every four to six hours if all is on track. If her vitals aren?t stable after two hours, the NICU staff will perform more tests.

The Rest of the Day

Hours 4 through 22

You'll spend this time learning how to care for your newborn. You'll probably help a nurse give him his first bath and change his diaper once he passes his first bowel movement, called meconium. You'll also learn how to swaddle and hold your baby, as well as how to handle his umbilical-cord stump and his circumcision site (if he's been circumcised). If you choose to breastfeed your baby, you'll be nursing him every two to three hours. Most hospitals have a lactation consultant who will check in to see how you're doing, even if you've breastfed before, says M. Terese Verklan, Ph.D., a nursing consultant in Houston. If you don't get a visit, ask for one.
Hours 23 and 24

By now your baby will have been formally evaluated by a pediatrician -- unless a problem was discovered at birth, in which case this exam will have been done then. The doctor will assess risk factors for infection, check for malformations, and ensure that your child is feeding and breathing well. She'll be checked for jaundice, which causes yellowish skin because bilirubin isn't being broken down in the liver. Babies with the condition may be exposed to a special kind of light that helps break down bilirubin, and you'll be encouraged to nurse your little one often to help eliminate the substance through her stool. In rare cases, if left untreated, jaundice can lead to brain damage. Additionally, your baby's heel will be pricked to screen for up to 50 different metabolic diseases, depending on your state's requirements, including sickle cell anemia and phenylketonuria (PKU). Performing this test any earlier is useless; blood levels in a baby don't rise until 24 hours after she has begun to drink breast milk or formula, so there can be a higher incidence of a false negative if the test is performed too soon. This evaluation is extremely important -- if your baby has one of these diseases, detecting and treating it early can substantially improve her prognosis.
Just Before Hospital Discharge

You'll stay at the hospital 24 to 48 hours after having a routine vaginal delivery. If you've had a C-section, you'll generally be there for three to four days. Right before you leave, your baby will receive a hearing test, in which he'll wear a pair of headphones and an audiologist will monitor his brain waves in response to sound. He'll also be weighed, and you'll probably notice that his weight has dropped since birth. Don't be alarmed. Fluid is moving from his extravascular system to his blood vessels, increasing his blood pressure and promoting the flow of oxygen to his organs. He's urinating out the excess fluid, which causes a 5 to 7 percent dip in his birth weight, but he'll gain back the weight after a few days of eating, Dr. Verklan explains.
After you've been discharged but before you can drive off, the hospital staff will confirm that you have a car seat, which is required in all 50 states. Once you get the go-ahead and realize that you're on your own, you may feel overwhelmed. "Don't panic," Dr. Brown says. "No one goes home really feeling prepared." Try to relax. Before you know it you'll be parenting like a pro.

Source By: http://www.parents.com/baby/care/newborn/your-babys-first-24-hours-of-life/

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Baby Skin Care Slideshow: Simple Tips to Keep Baby's Skin Healthy

Expect Bumps, Spots, and Rashes

There's nothing quite like the soft, delicate skin of a baby. And nothing like a cranky infant irritated by diaper rash, cradle cap, or another skin condition. While your baby is perfect, your baby's skin may not be. Many babies are prone to skin irritation in the first few months after birth. Here's how to spot and treat common baby skin problems.

 

 

Newborns Are Prone to Rashes

The good news about your newborn's rashes: Most cause no harm and go away on their own. While caring for baby's skin may seem complex, all you really need to know are three simple things: Which conditions can you treat at home? Which need medical treatment? And how can you prevent baby from experiencing skin problems to begin with?

 

 

Avoiding Diaper Rash

If baby has red skin around the diaper area, you're dealing with diaper rash. Most diaper rashes occur because of skin irritation due to diapers that are too tight; wet diapers left on for too long; or a particular brand of detergent, diapers, or baby wipes. Avoid it by keeping the diaper area open to the air as long as possible, changing your baby's diaper as soon as it's wet, washing with a warm cloth, and applying zinc oxide cream.

 

Pimples & Whiteheads

Baby "acne" is not really acne, like the kind teenagers get. In fact, recent research suggests that it may be related to yeast, not oil production. Pimples on baby's nose and cheeks usually clear up by themselves in a few weeks. So you don't need to treat baby acne or use lotion.

 

 

 

Baby Birthmarks

Lots of babies have birthmarks -- more than one in ten as a matter of fact. Birthmarks, areas of skin discoloration, are not inherited. They may be there when your baby is born, or they might show up a few months later. Generally birthmarks are nothing to worry about and need no treatment. But if your baby's birthmark worries you, talk to your pediatrician.

Atopic Dermatitis or Eczema

Eczema is an itchy, red rash that may or may not occur in response to a trigger. It is common in children who have a family history of asthma, allergies, or atopic dermatitis. Eczema may occur on baby's face as a weepy rash. Over time it becomes thick, dry, and scaly. You may also see eczema on the elbow, chest, arms, or behind the knees. To treat it, identify and avoid any triggers. Use gentle soaps and detergents and apply moderate amounts of moisturizers. More severe eczema should be treated with prescription medicine.

Baby's Dry Skin

You probably shouldn't worry if your newborn has peeling, dry skin -- it often happens if your baby is born a little late. The underlying skin is perfectly healthy, soft, and moist. If your infant's dry skin persists, talk to your baby's pediatrician.

Excess Oil Causes Cradle Cap

Cradle cap can show up during baby's first or second month, and usually clears up within the first year. Also called seborrheic dermatitis, cradle cap is caused in part by excess oil and shows up as a scaly, waxy, red rash on the scalp, eyebrows, eyelids, the sides of the nose, or behind the ears. Your pediatrician will recommend the best treatment for cradle cap, which may include a special shampoo, baby oil, or certain creams and lotions.

Prickly Heat Causes Irritated Skin

Showing up as small pinkish-red bumps, prickly heat usually appears on the parts of your baby's body that are prone to sweating, like the neck, diaper area, armpits, and skin folds. A cool, dry environment and loose-fitting clothes are all you need to treat prickly heat rash -- which can even be brought on in winter when baby is over-bundled. Try dressing baby in layers that you can remove when things heat up.

Infant Skin Doesn't Need Powdering

Babies can inhale the very fine grains of talcum powder or the larger particles of cornstarch, which could cause lung problems. So it's best to avoid using them on your infant.

Newborn Skin: White Bumps (Milia)

As many as one in two newborns get the little white bumps known as milia. Appearing usually on the nose and face, they're caused by skin flakes blocking oil glands. Milia are sometimes called "baby acne," but baby acne is related to yeast. In this case, baby skin care is easy: As baby's glands open up over the course of a few days or weeks, the bumps usually disappear, and need no treatment.

Baby Yeast Infections

Yeast infections often appear after your baby has had a round of antibiotics, and show up differently depending on where they are on your baby's skin. Thrush appears on the tongue and mouth, and looks like dried milk, while a yeast diaper rash is bright red, often with small red pimples at the rash edges. Talk to your pediatrician: Thrush is treated with an anti-yeast liquid medicine, while an anti-fungal cream is used for a yeast diaper rash.

Laundry Tips for Baby Skin Care

Avoiding skin rashes will keep your baby smiling and happy: Use a gentle detergent to wash everything that touches your infant's skin, from bedding and blankets, to towels and even your own clothes. You'll cut down on the likelihood of baby developing irritated or itchy skin.

Yellow Skin Can Mean Jaundice

Usually occurring two or three days after birth, jaundice is a yellow coloration that affects baby's skin and eyes. It's common in premature infants. Caused by too much bilirubin (a breakdown product of red blood cells), the condition usually disappears by the time baby is 1 or 2 weeks old. Treatment for jaundice may include more frequent feedings or, for more severe cases, light therapy (phototherapy). If your baby looks yellow, talk to your doctor.

Infant Sunburn

The sun may feel great, but it could be exposing your baby's skin to the risk of damaging sunburn. You can use baby sunscreen on infants at any age. Hats and umbrellas are also good for babies. But for the best protection from sunburn, keep your infant out of direct sunlight during the first six months of life. For mild infant sunburn apply a cool cloth to baby's skin for 10-15 minutes a few times daily. For more severe sunburn, call your child's pediatrician.

Baby Sunscreen and More

Apply sunscreen to the areas of baby's skin that can't be covered by clothes. You can also use zinc oxide on baby's nose, ears, and lips. Cover the rest of your baby's skin in clothes and a wide-brimmed hat. Sunglasses protect children's eyes from harmful rays.

Baby Skin Care Products

Shopping for baby skin care products? Less is more. Look for items without dyes, fragrance, phthalates and parabens -- all of which could cause skin irritation. When in doubt, talk to your pediatrician to see if a product is appropriate for newborn skin.

Avoiding Skin Problems at Bath Time

Remember, newborn skin is soft and sensitive. Keep baby's skin hydrated by bathing in warm water for only three to five minutes. Avoid letting your baby sit or play or soak for long in soapy water. Apply a baby lotion or moisturizer immediately after bath while skin is still wet, and then pat dry instead of rubbing.

Baby Massage

If rashes or other skin conditions are making your baby irritable, try baby massage. Gently stroking and massaging baby's skin can not only help boost relaxation, but it may also lead to better sleep and reduce or stop crying, according to a recent study.

When to Call the Pediatrician

Most baby skin rashes and problems aren't serious, but a few may be signs of infection -- and need close attention. If baby's skin has small, red-purplish dots, if there are yellow fluid-filled bumps (pustules), or if baby has a fever or lethargy, see your pediatrician for medical treatment right away.




Source By:  http://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/ss/slideshow-baby-skin-care

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Helping children adjust after separation or divorce

It’s normal for children to feel unsettled if you’re going through separation or divorce. You can help your child cope and adjust by talking honestly with your child, reassuring your child, sticking with family routines, and making special time for your child.

Talking to your child about separation and divorce

Separation and divorce usually means big changes for your family life. Your child might feel upset by the changes. You might even see some behavior you don’t like. It’s normal and OK for your child to feel upset, and it’ll help him to know that this is a tough time for everyone.

Here are some tips for talking with your child about the changes that separation and divorce bring.

Keep it simple
 
Your child doesn’t need to know all the details. But she does have a right to know what’s happening, and she needs to know that things will be OK again.

It’s best if you can explain in clear, simple and honest language your child can understand. For example, ‘We both love you, and we’re going to take care of you. But we’ve decided that it works best for our family if Dad and I live apart’.

Take your time with hard questions
 
If your child asks you a hard question like ‘Am I going to live at Dad’s house as well as here?’, you could ask, ‘What have you heard?’ This helps you find out what your child already knows or doesn’t understand.

Sometimes you won’t know how to answer a tough question, so give yourself time to think. If you can’t answer straight away, tell your child that you’ll get back to him. You could say, ‘I don’t know. Your Dad and I are still working that out. But I do know that you’ll get to spend time with each of us’.

If your child asks you tricky questions about your former partner, it’s good to encourage your child to talk to your former partner directly. If your relationship with your former partner is OK, you could let your ex know that your child has asked some questions.

Read between the lines
 
Your child’s questions might be motivated by specific concerns. For example, if your child asks about when mum is going to move back, she might be worrying about when she’ll see mum. Ask your child what she’s worrying about, and reassure her with simple words that show you understand. For example ‘Don’t worry – you’re still going to see Mum every week’.

Keep the conversation going
 
Your child might keep thinking about an issue after you’ve finished talking, so be prepared to answer questions more than once. Setting up a regular time to talk can give your child a chance to discuss his concerns. For example, it could be after dinner, just before you read a book or play a quiet game together. You can also use this time to let your child know about new developments.

Talk about feelings
 
Your child will probably see you feeling sad, angry or upset. That’s natural and even healthy. It’s important to let your child know that you love her, that your feelings are not her fault, and that things will get better.

Seeing you express feelings in a calm and healthy way lets your child know that it’s OK for him to do this too. When your child expresses feelings, reflecting back what you think he’s feeling also gives you the chance to explore and understand his feelings better. You can say things like, ‘I can see you’re upset’ or ‘I understand this makes you feel sad’.

It might be difficult to hear about your child’s hurt or anger, but she needs to talk too.

Suggest someone else to talk to
 
Sometimes it’s easier for children to share feelings and thoughts with someone other than their parents. It’s important for your child to talk so encourage him to talk to another trusted adult – a friend, a teacher, an aunt, uncle, cousin or grandparent.

"I couldn’t tell my two eight-year-old that their mum was leaving because she’d met             someone else. I kept my explanations rather vague to suit their age. Over time they              gradually understood. The other guy wasn’t living there initially so there was time for them to adjust to me living elsewhere first, then to his presence in the family later on.                     
– Jamie, 34, separated for one year and co-parenting twins" 


 Other ways to help children cope after separation or divorce

Keep familiar routines and rituals
 
Routines help children feel secure, so keeping up routines can help your child cope with changes like separation and divorce.

Try to identify small routines that really matter to your child, like a regular play day with a friend or a special book before bed. Let your child know that these things won’t change. If possible, try not to change big things like your child’s school. The same surroundings, friends, teachers and routines all help.

It’s also good to maintain rituals. The way you wake your child in the morning or what you say to her at bedtime are reassuring rituals that you can easily keep up.

You can always create new routines and adapt rituals too. This might need to happen if there are changes to child care arrangements or your income. If your child is old enough, you could try working out some new routines together.

Let children make some decisions
 
If you can involve your child in small day-to-day decisions like how to arrange his room or what to have for dinner, it’ll help your child feel like he has some control. With older children, you can talk about how much time they’d like to spend with you or their other parent.

Create some fun
 
Take time out to have some fun, even if it’s just putting on some music and dancing together. It’s also good to do a few things on the spur of the moment – for example, having dinner as a picnic in the park.
Let your child’s child care setting, preschool or school know
After separation or divorce, there might be changes in your child’s behavior that are a sign she needs more support. Her teachers can watch out for these signs, or there might be things they could do to help.

* The effects of family violence can continue after a relationship is over. Family violence can also start, or get significantly worse when parents separate. Family violence of any kind is not OK. If you or anybody you know is experiencing family violence, seek help by talking to a professional like a GP or counselor, talk to the police or call a hot line.
                                                       
Source By  http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/separation_helping_children_adjust.html 

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